Even though it was used before she published her books, the term “gentle discipline” is usually attributed to Sarah Ockwell-Smith, well-known author and parenting expert. While Maria Montessori never used this term, the main principles are very much in line with the Montessori philosophy. To some extent, they complement it, making it a perfect tool for parents who want to follow the Montessori discipline at home. The four principles of gentle parenting are empathy, respect, understanding and boundaries, words that I use several times in my book. Without a doubt, they are pillars for creating a peaceful environment at home. Let’s reflect on how they can promote the Montessori discipline at home.
consistent and clear boundaries
The gentle approach the Montessori method promotes is not a discipline without rules. Children, who are moving their first steps in a world which is new to them, are desperate for guidelines to guide them. Consistent and clear boundaries help them feel safe, understand the adults’ expectations and make their reactions predictable. The Montessori discipline encourages parents to choose a few fundamental rules that stay fixed and invariable. With time, they will become the safety net children need to explore safely the world away from us.
positive language
A common cause of frustration for parents is teaching children behaviours that are considered acceptable by society. Traditional education techniques use threats, bribing and authoritarian orders that, besides being ineffective, turn the relationship into a constant fight. on the other hand, the Montessori discipline promotes positive communication and a relationship based on respect and collaboration. There are different ways to communicate the same message and, the most efficient avoid threats and complaining. For example, a positive way of interacting is by describing what we see without adding any judgement or telling off. Sometimes highlighting the issue is enough to encourage children in finding a solution.
forget about bribes and pusnishemts
When children follow our rules through the means of punishments, bribes or rewards, we are offering external motivation which pushes them to base their choices on the adult’s reaction, on fear and the possibility of a special treat. Even if these solutions can work at the moment and might even solve the immediate problem, they are harmful in the long term. The child in fact, is focused on what is coming next and is not absorbing the rules or comprehending the motivation behind certain boundaries. The Montessori discipline works instead in the long term and encourages children to take responsibility.
natural consequences
Natural consequences have to do with the event itself. For example, if a child runs through the house and ends up hitting a corner, he has encountered a natural consequence. Sometimes, instead, we need to create the consequence. If we are playing together and in a moment of anger they hit us, we will need to interrupt the game to look after ourselves. The end of a fun game is the natural consequence. This would be the case of a toy that is used in an unsafe way which we will need to take away for some time. Finally, for a damaged toy, we will encourage to fix it. Similarly, after a physical conflict with another child, we might suggest making a card or asking the other person what can we do to make things better.
being a role model
The last aspect to take into consideration, and which relates directly to the principles of gentle education, is the way we communicate with children. Let’s remember that we are their models of life and that they learn above all by observing us rather than by listening to us. Small details, such as asking them please and saying thank you, using a gentle tone of voice, crouching down to their height to talk to them, reducing the distance and teaching them a way of communicating based on respect.
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